Let’s just cut to the chase: I’m clumsy.
I’ve tried dance classes, martial arts classes, yoga, vigilant self-awareness.
I’ve even tried physical reverse psychology (which now that I see it in type does sound a bit too “out there”), where I actually try to run into things in hopes my rebellious sense of coordination will take me away from danger in a graceful pirouette.
It doesn’t work, in case you wondered.
On the upside, my bodily bad luck doesn’t seem to affect others and I’ve done no damage to anyone except myself.
I have a high pain threshold and a talent for getting the scars to win up in a decorative pattern.
My question is, is it too late to hope grace and luck will catch up to me?
Have I built up enough physical karma points that my later years will not be full of bumps, bangs, and bruises?
I’ve bought stock in Band-Aids, just in case.
“Dear incomprehension, it’s thanks to you I’ll be myself, in the end.”
― Samuel Beckett
You are not alone in your sense that the Buddha nature in all things is out to get you. I have proof however that it is not. Nevertheless, proof be damned, let us march forward, brethren and sistren in arms, into this mess of inanimate persecution.
All the solutions you’ve attempted have value for many reasons, but those reasons are not your own. You Thumper, will not integrate yourself, by wearing someone else’s methodology. Be it the newest craze or proven over thousands of years, this image of grace, as your culture determines becomes your referential problem.
If you are at heart an inventor, getting it wrong is in part, your grace.
Unfortunately, your modern world has no tolerance for this natural process. But it’s this very personal power gained in practice and experimentation. Can you allow your prose to do the dishes tonight? Or design a new circuit while holding a loved one?
Do you see what I am getting at Thumper? The experiments must continue. Not of the threatening kind mind you, but to emanate as an expression of yourself becoming. I can not give suggestions here. As Daisy might suggest, get weird.
And while you show grace through integrity, to not inflict yourself on others. It may be a mistake to do so. The prisons we create within ourselves can more easily be disassembled by the query of others. Do you still stumble, when holding a caring hand? We offend those who hold us dear when we hide our troubles. You’re not saving others from your burden but removing intimacy. I’ve personally paid dearly for this.
Having a high threshold for pain is unfortunately reached through practice and repetition.
Now it’s important to happen to your life, lest life will happen to you. But stay diligent you are not bringing pain to your life, before it is brought to you. Look to your past, was it ever safer to remain perpetually wounded? These imprints are rarely broken up until words and actions make them so. I admit, my preference is to be the cause of my wounds over another, (if this is the case, please write back privately).
Grace has never lagged behind you Thumper. Your words give hints, that more oft than not, you live in your mind, ideas and thoughts. You can easily pirouette with words, and express a passage with metered and dynamic eloquence. So, I suggest this: Slowly, and in solitude (remembering the get weird part). Begin to speak with your body. It may or may not reflect the last poem or passage you’ve written. Or the one you have yet to write. Move your body to your own art, or as your own art. No one else’s. 5 to 10 minutes a day, or more, if you lose yourself in more. There is no right or wrong. Simply gestured phrases spoken through the movement you invent.
I am requesting that you discover the language of your body. This will not be easy, but you never asked for easy. To build this bridge is to teach your body to speak. You may meet a few of your ghosts on the way, but they will all be in passing. The pelvis and spine can be a particularly haunted house. This practice has no name. It will not be shared or liked online, but possibly someday witnessed in person with another human being.
Find your dance, and you will find your reality. Living in someone else’s may well lead to bruising.
As for the karma points, I’ve met the Buddha. Astonishingly eloquent. And tricky as …well. Always leading me on, letting me think I possessed the final answer to our arguments, only to watch the rug pulled out from under with simplicity. In your case, I’m afraid he may suggest you meditate on this. But I will not give in to him just yet, and neither should you.
I feel a bit more drama is in order, but then look who’s speaking, not to mention who’s asking. Anyway, considering my background and possibly yours. He said this notion, was not Karma at all but the commodification of suffering. While the exact accounting may escape me, the emotion is raw and true. But to bank your suffering credits and cash in at retirement? Yes, that’s odd, but yes, I thought so too. It was suggested I was mistaken. The big B argued with me, that there was no such bank, but the one you carry around with you. And that to alleviate such a debt, or credit, you need only to leave it by the side of the road. I know, easier said than done, but he always spoke like that. He then shared the funniest secret about himself, but it’s still too soon to share.
Be well, safe, and brave Thumper, and steer clear of the meadow at mid-day.